The Rollercoaster: A Writer's Ramblings

It’s been a tough two weeks. Physically and emotionally.

I really wanted this post, particularly just before Christmas, to be full of hope and positivity but I’ve come to the realisation that part of having a chronic disease is learning how to adjust and manage expectations. The path to achieve this is as unpredictable as any rollercoaster.

My visit to the Rheumatologist was exactly all I had hoped it to be. He was light hearted and positive and said all the right things, giving me the necessary confidence that with his help, I could overcome RA and its pitfalls. We had caught it very early which meant there was the smallest of chances that it could go into ‘remission’ either on its own or medically induced.

So I came home with a bit of a spring in my step and a prescription for Methotrexate. I was already familiar with this drug due to my own research so I already knew it was also administered to some Cancer patients.

Did this scare me? Hell yeah.

Did I let it put me off? Hell no.

Now, you expect a medicine of this calibre to have some side effects and according to the pamphlet there were many and varied. So I was as prepared as I could be. That night after taking the first tablet, my symptoms were suddenly magnified and I was in horrendous pain, worse than I’d had since this all started. Unsure if it was safe to take anything extra to dull the pain, I suffered through the night only to find that in the morning, I was barely able to walk or use my hands.

Fear and disappointment sent me plummeting into a very unattractive downward spiral. What was happening to me?

As a writer, I often explore the depth of emotion in a character and find it wonderfully complex and unpredictable.

However, it’s not so wonderful when complex and unpredictable can be used to describe yourself. In fact as I look back, I think I’m being overly kind because ‘raving lunatic’ and ‘blubbering mess’ would truly be more apt descriptions. I had discovered the dark side to myself (and before you ask, not in a cool, Darth Vader-esque way), which is a side that I usually don’t acknowledge or encourage. This scared me.

I’d love to say here that I suffered in brave silence however my husband and daughter might actually throw something at me if I did…suffice to say, it was rough on all of us.

I persevered for another week, knowing it was way too soon to gauge if this medication was working for me but also terrified that the dosage may be increased if I complained. I’ve always thought I had a high level of pain tolerance however being in constant pain, the gauge of this starts to fail. You become unsure whether the pain is as bad as you’re feeling it or if you are manifesting the pain in your own head. (I told you I was in a bad way!)

One morning, I finally typed an email (with 2 fingers) to my specialist trying to keep the desperation out of my words so that I didn’t sound like a whining, neurotic person. And I waited.

To my surprise and great relief, he rang a few hours later and the moment I heard his voice the tears flowed again. He reassured me that the medication had that effect on some people and that despite the pain, he almost begged me to continue what he believed was the best course of treatment for me. We discussed some additional ways I can safely achieve pain relief if I needed it and as we hung up, I already felt a little more resilient. In hindsight, I think I just felt as if all this was way beyond me, my positivity just wasn’t enough to hold me up.

Another thing I have come to realise is that I don’t have to struggle with this completely on my own. I only have to ask for help and it will come from many avenues, however the very act of asking is difficult. It’s very different to need help with carrying something heavy for example, in comparison to being unable to turn a door handle or do up your bra, regardless I need to let go a little.

(Allow me to clarify, not in regards to wearing a bra. The world is just not ready for me to be free-boobing it anytime soon!)

However other things can and will wait for a day when I’m feeling better. So what if I had planned to vacuum the floors today?

So, as you can see I’m not really handling all this with the grace and dignity I was originally hoping for but I am making some positive progress. I think I’m done wallowing in self-pity but I can’t guarantee that either. All I can do is take one small step at a time and keep riding that rollercoaster until I’m familiar with each turn, dip and rise.

Just remember, it’s okay to not be okay, as long as you’re not giving up!

Merry Christmas!

#SharynDunbar #Author #Karate #Arthritis #RheumatoidArthritis #Chronicpain #Depression