Through Blue-Coloured Glasses: A Writer's Ramblings
I originally began the undertaking of a blog for my personal therapeutic journey, although I have to admit it does make things easier when those around me have an inkling of what I might be going through. Of course the irony of a writer being struck with something that could potentially deform her hands was an opportunity too good not to exploit. Who knows? It might even help to sell a book or two in the process. (I never said my intentions were totally honourable!)
However, the main purpose for this particular entry is to highlight something very important, something that’s way bigger than my journey with Rheumatoid Arthritis alone.
Did you know that anxiety and depression are sometimes unfortunate side effects of chronic disease?
Whether it’s because the disease attacks the brain or body in a particular way, the result of the medication prescribed or the horrible fact of having to deal with constant and never ending pain and discomfort, the additional burden lurks under the surface waiting to strike when you are most vulnerable.
You see, what I didn’t count on when I first started this blog, was the way in which my story has touched people. I’ve received messages from random people, friends and family too and in many cases I had no idea they were suffering or at the very least, had no idea of the extent. From autoimmune disorders such as Rheumatoid Arthritis, Hashimoto’s, Lupus and Diabetes, to other chronic conditions such as Fibromyalgia, Asthma and Crohns to name a few. And amidst the wide range of ailments there is one thread in common that isn’t talked about but links us all in an unfathomable way.
Why don’t we talk about it?
I’m constantly required to have blood tests and I’m already well known to the staff of the local medical lab and one day the phlebotomist (yes, that’s their official title) says to me, “Most people I see that have what you do are so grumpy because of the pain. How do you manage to be so cheery?” Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments, I’m only human after all however I do believe it’s because I’m still new at this, the pain hasn’t yet dragged me down to that inescapable place. Regardless, it seems that what I have and its reputation, is already trying to define me, put me in a pigeon hole labelled “ill-tempered”.
I won’t let it.
There’s always someone worse off.
I have to admit I’ve said it a few times myself and it’s a very true statement. When I think on it though, does it really make me feel better knowing that other people are suffering worse than I am? Not really.
If we, and I’m using the collective we, continue to brush off the way we feel so that we somehow acknowledge others doing it tougher, it’s little wonder depression is creeping into people’s lives more and more. It needs to be acceptable in every sense to be able to put your hand up and say I’m in pain, I’m tired, I’m pissed off or I’m just not okay.
Please don’t judge, I’m doing the best I can.
The specialist I see for my RA is a bit of an anomaly to his profession – his appointments always run on time. {Cue gasps of shock and expressions of incredulity!} This means that there’s rarely time to chat with fellow patients and even though at times I’m busting to ask questions of those around me, the opportunity never arises.
Recently I was a little earlier than usual and found myself sitting in the tiny waiting room beside an elderly lady. She was beautifully dressed, not expensively so and a little outdated in her houndstooth jacket complete with massive shoulder pads, but it was obvious that a lot of care had gone into her appearance. After a short time, she patted me gently on the elbow.
“Excuse me, dear,” she said. “Are you here to see Dr. V.?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Oh,” she replied looking very confused. “Do you have Rheumatoid arthritis?”
"Yes, I do.”
“Goodness, you’re too young!” (I chuckled a bit at that – I’ll take it where I find it these days!)
Then she gently took my hand. “You’re so lucky, your fingers still look normal. Look at mine.”
Sure, I had already seen photos of worst case scenarios of RA but seeing it first hand was a little confronting. On the bright side I might need to consider a future in professional card games as my poker face is quite obviously better than I thought. Undeterred by the fact that my heart may have stopped beating for a moment, she went on to tell me that her feet had been so badly affected that for some time she had been unable to walk and even her doctors said that rectification surgery would be extremely painful and may not have the desired result – the disease was still active and problematic.
“Well dear, I’ve never been one to do as I’m told and I had the surgery. And yes it was painful and the recovery was long and awful but now I have a motorised scooter at home that I don’t need anymore.”
When I hopped into the car to leave after my own appointment, I was overwhelmed with emotions. I wanted to cry for the little lady in her houndstooth jacket, I wanted to cry for me. I wanted to scream in anger at the unfair universe that plonked this horrible thing into my lap and I wanted to close my eyes and wish it all away as I wondered if I have the courage to face what might come at me down the track.
But the tears didn’t come. Instead it was like the dawning of realisation.
She didn’t tell me her story so that I would be horrified.
She didn’t want me to feel sorry for her.
She didn’t share what she went through so that I would lose hope or feel defeated.
Of course not.
Her story was one of defiance against the odds and eventual triumph. She had slayed her dragon and was victorious and glorious in victory. It was her ta-da moment.
If only we could have more ta-da moments in our lives – but for some people who suffer from anxiety and depression, regardless of the underlying cause, finding those moments can be rare and elusive. It’s not their fault, it’s not something they should be ashamed of and it’s definitely not something that should be overlooked or brushed aside as unimportant. I can’t help feel that as members of society we should all stand up and accept a small portion of responsibility.
Is it too much to ask to be kind, tolerant, patient and understanding?
Sometimes even just being silent at the appropriate time would work.
So please dear friends, don’t be oblivious to those around you. Help someone remove those blue coloured glasses, even for just a moment. Help someone find a ta-da moment, no matter how small. By your actions and words be kind, always be kind – because you never know what battles are being fought behind that smile.
